His Wise Bestowment

"Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear." The words to this familiar and well-loved hymn have been a great ministry to my heart today. I have had such a busy first semester teaching and ministering and working--it's so easy to kind of float along, as I'm inclined to do, I'm afraid! I know for me personally, I find myself looking around spiritually and personally wondering--how did I get here?!

I also find it easy to complain, easy to find the "injustices," and easy to wish for that which I don't have. But as I contemplated the words to this hymn today, I was reminded again how my Father God wisely gives that which He knows is best--never more, never less--always perfect. And that often means I don't get what I think I need or that I'm given more than I think I can handle. But His bestowment is ever wise--and to worry is to play the role of the atheist--in essence, to believe that God does not exist!

I'm coming clean here today! I've been bitter over what God took away from my church and me the past couple of years. We lost our school administrator, our church organist, our music minister, and their families--people who had been at my church for many, many years and had become as dear as family to me. These were and are people to whom I look for spiritual examples--people I have been very attached to--people I took for granted. Their leaving left large, gaping, cavernous holes that have been difficult to fill. Thankfully, our new administrator has worked hard to ensure that our school continues to stand firm and educate well. I'm so glad to be a part of it! He's done an amazing job! It's a lot of work to fill in the gaps...we've all been working hard--he and his wife probably the most!! Our school, in almost every way, I believe, has continued to thrive. We are smaller, but this year especially, we are spiritually strong. We miss those who have moved on to other ministries, but with our small, but very sacrificial and hard-working staff, we've made it! :)

The music ministry, in particular, was where the losses hit me the hardest, though. Perhaps because music is such a vital, emotional part of my life. I had received a great portion of my training from our former music minister, and I had learned so much from his family! I wanted to have everything just keep continuing on as it has in the past. But, that's impossible. With no organist, except for me and my limited abilities, I had to step up. With fewer pianists, I also felt like I had to assume some of that responsibility. I am a notorious over-worker, so I've tried to fill in many of the holes left in the music program. But that has led to some less-than-godly feelings and thinking on my part. I've wondered why God allowed such a loss--and why I had to be so "put upon" to pick up the slack in some areas.

Not a pretty side of me, I can tell you. I attend a church of 300+ people, and it sadly seems that the same people do the largest portion of the work all the time. And I kind of get a "martyr" syndrome at times about this. OUCH. No, seriously...OUCH. It hurts to admit that I struggle with pride, bitterness, and discontentment. I don't mean to. I am not even sure how I got here! :(

I don't think of myself as more talented, better, or more capable than anyone. I mean, I look at others who have REAL talent, trained talent, easily-achieved success...and I fall far short. I have to work hard to play the organ, help direct the handbells, accompany the choirs, and fulfill all of my school obligations. For some, it always seems to me like it comes so easily. For others, I look at them and wish they would realize their potential and work hard to achieve more--to alleviate the stress on the rest of us and find fulfillment in ministry!

(As a side note...I'm not saying our new music minister is failing...in case he should read this! I'm commenting on my own issues here--no one else's!)

I look at what God has given me...and I'm so blessed. I have friends and acquaintances who have far, far less than I do. I have a wonderful church with so many great people...and yet I look at the negative or what I or they don't have...I choose to compare the present to the past and feel sorry for what we've lost instead of rejoicing in what we've been given.

I hate what I've let myself become...and I hate that it undoubtedly affects others. But what I really hate is that I let myself get here. I hate that it hurts my Savior. It was God's wise bestowment that has allowed and will always allow His will in my life and others' to happen. And if that's not good enough for me, nothing ever will be.

No...I won't always have those I love close by. Yes...I may have new responsibilities that stretch me or change the way I enjoy my Sundays. No...things may not always be done the way I think they should...but...if what happens is part of my Father's wise bestowment to me, than it is His best. I am nothing and can do nothing apart from Him. All I have, I have from Him. There is no room for bitterness, pride, or discontent in the heart in which resides the King of Kings and the wise Bestower of all we need!

I'm growing, I believe, and learning from this. I still have many miles to go before the Lord perfects this area of my life. It is difficult at times to serve with joy and total contentment. Oh the joy that awaits us in heaven--no more separations from those we love and no more sinful emotions, thoughts, and motives! An eternity of perfect praise, worship, and joy awaits! Lord, give me grace and strength to trust in your wise bestowment--to drive away the worry, fear, pride, bitterness, and discontent that creep in when I want more than the treasure trove you've already given! And thank you, Father, for the good and perfect gifts given to my church and me--may we rejoice in your goodness and seek to serve you with our very lives!